My mother in law, Alice is 93 and has been living independently for years, since becoming a widow. We’ve been a bit worried about her for some time. We thought she’d be better off with help nearby but she was not about to let her kids tell her what to do. Gentle persuasion was met with firm resistance.
My husband, Mikol Davis, a psychologist for decades, knows well how to put things tactfully and gently to people and with Mom, he tried. “What do you think about checking out a few places where you’ll have people around you, Mom?” he asked. “And be with a bunch of old people??” she retorted. Nope, no way. 93 in her mind, you see, isn’t really old.
But with some reluctance, she did go with him to explore a few independent and assisted living communities near her home. She had been living in the big house she had shared with her husband of 62 years, in the desert, which they both enjoyed. It was lovely and the seniors’ community had every amenity. As long as you’re with a partner and can drive, it’s fine. Widowhood, though, brought many challenges she didn’t expect. Couple friends excluded her. She became isolated in the evenings as she doesn’t drive at night. Loneliness was a frequent visitor. Still she forged on, bravely adapting to living alone.
Eventually, she agreed to give up the big house and move to a smaller rental place in the same neighborhood. That was her alternative to moving into an apartment in a place “with all those old people” such as assisted living. It was great to sell off or donate so much she did not need or use. It saved us from having to choose for her what to keep and what to lose. She was in charge. The great little rental house worked for about a year and a half. Gradually, Alice began to have more difficulty with chores like shopping, getting things repaired, walking with those bad knees. Age was taking its toll.
We didn’t pressure her to move into a more protected environment, but we did encourage her to think about. One day, she just decided to do it! She announced this without prompting. We were stunned. We know how lucky we are that her mind is clear, as we see all too many who have aging parents with dementia in our work at AgingParents.com.
We asked her how she made the decision. Here’s a brief video of her thoughtful response. If you are trying to get an aging parent to think about moving to a seniors’ community, feel free to share this!
She made up her own mind in her own time to do what we hoped she would do. She is moving closer to her daughter in a place far from the desert but in the area where she raised her kids. She has decided to give up driving, as the facility provides rides to the doctors and such. And her daughter is close enough to pitch in when needed. Wow, no resistance. We can hardly believe it!
All we can say is “what a relief!” We’ll keep you posted on the transition. Meanwhile, we are counting our blessings about her wise decision. We are better off than a lot of our friends whose parents are living precariously alone. Here’s hoping Alice’s smarts will inspire some other aging parents, too.
Carolyn Rosenblatt, RN, Elder Law Attorney, Author